When my skinny friend says she’s feeling fat
(Source: whatshouldwecallme, via paging-doctorfaggot)
before you unfollow me you should know that i was born with glass bones and paper skin
(via thesuitelifeofprozacandcody)
ok, new theory. maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us
well maybe we would sound so bad if some people didn’t try to play with big meaty claws
what did you say, punk?
bIG
MEATY
CLAWS
WELL THESE CLAWS AIN’T JUST FOR ATTRACTING MATES
BRING IT ON OLD MAN, BRING IT ON
no people let’s be smart and bring it OFF
OH SO NOW THE TALKING CHEESE IS GONNA PREACH TO US
(via thatsmoderatelyraven)
so its 2:17 am and my window is open and i burped really loudly and i heard someone yell “what the fuck”
(Source: princesaluja, via maxterbate)
if you think you need practice kissing i’m free 24/7 year round
(via maxterbate)
if you unfollow me, you wont be kissed by your crush on Friday at 1:30. sorry i dont make the rules.
(via condorn)
| tourist: | could you give us directions to Olive Garden? |
| new yorker: | no, but i could give you directions to an actual Italian restaurant lol |
| tourist: | oh you think you're clever??? |
| new yorker: | what |
| tourist: | i'm going to meet my dying neice and she happens to love olive garden so her whole family is going to eat with her so she'll have a few moments of happiness |
| new yorker: | oh... oh i'm so sor |
| tourist: | no shut the fuck up you piece of shit. i'll find it myself |
| the tourist drives off and the new yorker is left to think about his life choices and his decision to be a giant condescending asshole |
